JAI'S DATING ADVICE
You ever heard the phrase "those who can, do. Those who can't, TEACH"? Well that describes me PERFECTLY when it comes to my dating life vs. the life changing advice I give to others. Read below and comment below if you agree with the advice I give.
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
"Accidental Outing"
Dear Jai!
I accidentally outed my friend. I’ve had a crush on him for a long time, but I soon discovered that he was sleeping with a mutual (male) friend of ours. I was floored because I never even thought that he was gay or bi and I ended up telling my girlfriends about it, not even thinking that they weren’t loyal. Needless to say the word got out and it’s all my fault. I want to reach out to him but he is upset and understandably so. How do I make this right with my friend?
Sincerely,
The Accidental Outer
Hey Accidental Outer,
You did nothing wrong. You were hurt and confided in your friends. They were the ones in the wrong for telling it. Besides, who told you? They are the ones who actually “outted” him. Let’s go deeper than that, for them to know, he was already “out.” We are living in 2019, very few people are on the down low for real for real now...people know what they’re doing...it’s just not a big deal anymore. Go to your friend and let him know you’re sorry cause that’s probably what he needs to hear, but just know in your heart, IT’S OK! If he accepts the apology...GREAT! If he doesn’t...ok! Move on.
Your girl Jai!
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"A bit of a heathen"
Dear Jai,
My boyfriend is a staunch believer in Christianity, and so was I up until about 6 months ago. I’m currently on a new spiritual journey and I find myself pulling away from my Christian roots. It’s not that I’m losing faith, I’m just learning more about myself and what works for me. My boyfriend and I have talked about how I feel and I think he thinks it’s just a phase. Jai, I’m almost 35 years old; I haven’t had a “phase” in years. I know he thinks that I’m just tripping and that this will all blow over soon. However, I know it won’t. I believe in Jesus but I no longer feel like Christianity is the absolute truth and I would like to continue to explore other religions. The problem is that I love my boyfriend very much and he has been talking about marriage for a while now. I know he has bought the ring (don’t ask me how I know I just do). He is planning to propose on the two year anniversary of us being a couple. However, he has expressed numerous times how he needs his wife to share his same belief system, and I no longer do.
How do I tell him that this is who I am now without losing my man?
Sincerely,
His Heathen
Greetings Heathen!
I had to...it was right there...
You’re focused on “losing your man” but I think that’s not even the main issue right now. The problem I’m hearing is that there are dealbreakers in your relationship, and you have known this all along. Now you want to ignore one of his “needs” (your word, not mine) to fulfill your desire to stay in the relationship and get married. But honey let me help you, you will be miserable if you do. It’s 2019, and we are not hiding who we really are anymore. If a person can’t love you for who you really are, they are NOT THE ONE!
Before I go further, please answer me this: Can you keep up the charade of being a devout Christian for the next 50 years? If not, let him know that this is NOT a phase, but are your new beliefs and let the chips fall where they may. PLEASE don’t fool yourself into thinking he’s going to change his mind. Just like you, his beliefs are not a phase. They are his spoken set of principles and morals he has chosen to live by. Don’t stay and make a mockery of his love for you by being dishonest. And if you are honest and it costs you getting a ring, then at least you know where you stand with him. That’s not a bad thing either. He believes what he believes just like you do.
I wish you well, I sincerely do, but please tell him the TRUTH!!!
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Wednesday, July 10, 2019
"I Didn't Enjoy It"
Dear Jai,
There is a girl that I’m really feeling. She's been on my radar for about three years now. She’s nice, smart, funny as hell. We have mutual friends and acquaintances and so our paths cross frequently. There is only one problem: she was involved in a sex scandal a year ago. Her ex- boyfriend released a video of them doing stuff. We live in a small-ish town so everyone found out about it. Her reputation took a beating because of it which pisses me off because he came out as the hero. I guess my question is, how do I approach her so she knows I’m into her, and not what I saw on the video (And yes, I did watch it I’m ashamed to admit.) Any advice will help! Thanks Jai!
Signed,
“I Watched but I Didn’t Enjoy”
Dear “I Watched but I Didn’t Enjoy”
First, I love your name lololol. But any who, let's do this.
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1) Of course you watched;)
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2) Keep being honest. Even though you liked her before, you like her a little more now since you know how that THANG THANG SWANG SWANG;)
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3) Relax. Women are perceptive. She probably knows you have been feeling her. If she trips because she thinks you just want her for sex, then she may still need to heal from what happened. In that case you SHOULD MOVE ON, at least for now.
Wishing you luck my friend:)
Sincerely,
Jai!
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Wednesday, July 3, 2019
"Boy does this hurt!"
Dear Jai,
I do not like having sex with my boyfriend. He is very large and I am naturally more like a Sahara than a Niagara, and he refuses to indulge me in foreplay most times. I told him that I need to be stimulated more so penetration can be easier but he always gets in his feelings and says that if I really loved him I wouldn’t need all of that to be turned on. What should I do? I really love him but sex is so painful.
Sincerely,
Hurting in Mississippi
Hi Hurting in Mississippi!
I did my sophomore biology paper on Female Impotence because so many women find themselves not liking sex, not wanting sex or enduring painful sex because men are not properly trained on how the female body works. For a lot of women, foreplay is not just desired, but it’s also necessary. Please visit your physician or a gynecologist to find out what can be done on your end to help you enjoy sex more. I have also attached a link for you to send to your boyfriend that better explains why your body not being “opened” to his piranha is NOT indicative of your love for him. In the meantime I implore you to explore a myriad of lubes, sex toys and also tantric and Kegel exercises that can help you be more open for sex, and give you more sexual stimulation during sex, even if your boyfriend remains ignorant to the female anatomy.
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Wednesday, June 26, 2019
"Desperate in New York"
Dear Jai,
I am a straight heterosexual woman in my late 20s who recently had a sexual encounter with my gay female best friend. I initiated it and she obliged. Afterwards, she quickly got up and left. I have to see her all of the time because we work together and sometimes carpool. However, we have not talked about what happened. My friend is being cordial but we haven’t hung out since and when she is around me I can tell that something has changed. I don’t know what I did wrong. I’ve tried talking to her but she just brushes me off, makes a joke or changes the conversation. Please help me save my friendship!
Sincerely,
Desperate in New York
Dear Desperate in New York,
Please read the first line of the letter you sent me. Now I for one feel that sexuality is fluid and some people fall mainly on one side of the spectrum in varying degrees. HOWEVER, since you identify as a “straight heterosexual woman”, I will suggest that maybe that night was an experiment for you and your “gay best friend” knows this and is not interested in pretending that it was anything more. Unlike you, she is open to dating and finding love with another woman and doesn’t want feelings to develop (or further develop) knowing that its all futile fantasy. You are her bestie, and who doesn’t want to fall in love with someone who knows their backstory and silly quirks but still sticks around. I suggest that you remember her feelings and respect the boundary she has put up in this situation. I feel like she may be trying to protect her heart from you OR she may not want to hurt you because she knows she is not ready to settle down if you decide that you may not be so “straight” after all.
Or, the sex was horrible and she is trying to forget all about it lol. Either way, follow her lead and just be the best friend you can be, even if it is from a distance for now.
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Wednesday, June 19, 2019
"Bad Friend"
Dear Jai,
I recently entered a situationship with a friend of mine's crush. Well, he was crushing on her and she liked him, but nothing ever developed between them. He and I knew each other and had mutual acquaintances, but we weren't friends at all. He made his initial contact with me through social media (Facebook) and started bombarding me with questions about my friend. He told me how much he liked her. Well, little did he know but she actually had started talking to someone else. I intervened and vouched for the guy crushing on her since we had become cool, but she still ended up dating the other guy. I was heartbroken for her crush, cause I could tell that he was a really good guy and I knew he really liked her. Fast forward a few years later...my friend was engaged to the new guy and pregnant with his baby. Her crush and I still remained in contact with each other. We hung out occasionally. Then members of his family went through a major public scandal, and he reached out to me. We became inseparable. We still are. We got married earlier this year, and I intentionally had a small ceremony so I had an excuse not to ask her to be a bridesmaid (my sister was my only bridesmaid). I know it may be wrong, but even though she has giving us her blessing and is not tripping at all, it would have been weird standing up there saying my vows to my honey knowing he originally wanted the chick standing behind me.
Now she's getting married and of course she wants me to be a bridesmaid. As soon as she asked me I immediately regretted not asking her to be apart of my day. I was selfish and honestly, she actually was the one that kinda sorta got us together lol.
Please give me any advice that can help. And be gentle. I'm with child;)
Sincerely,
Bad Friend
Dear Bad Friend,
I'm about to be INCREDIBLY gentle to you. Do YOU baby girl! It was YOUR wedding day. Your feelings are NEVER wrong, so I will never tell you to do something that would make you uncomfortable. You were the bride, and you have the right to not let anything take away from your special day.
HOWEVER...I do have to say this. I think its some unresolved feelings of guilt you are harboring. If what you told me is true, you did nothing wrong. He had a crush on ole girl years ago, and she has since moved on and apparently so has he. My question to you though is...why are you still stuck? My advice to you is to deal with your issues ASAP so you can put them and the past where your friend should've been standing on your big day: behind you.
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Wednesday, June 12, 2019
"Love Addict #9"
Dear Jai,
Recently, a friend of mine discovered that she was a love addict. When she listed some of the symptoms to me, I realized I may be a love addict as well. I recently broke up with this guy and through research, I realize that my ex may be a love addict as well (type: love avoidant) and our relationship while highly likely (my type and his type always seem to find each other), it is also EXTREMELY toxic! Even though I’m glad (for the most part) that the relationship is over, I miss him. I’m also having withdrawal symptoms and I’m literally in mental anguish. I want to know what to do to help with this because it’s time I move on with my life!
Help me,
Love Addict #9
Dear Love Addict #9,
Thank you for your honesty and transparency. Reaching out to me was brave and I know that it came from a place of vulnerability that can only be experienced when seeking out truth and light. There are several types of love addicts, and because I don’t know what type you are, I am going to be careful in my advice. I want you to find a love addiction counselor and support group in your area to help you through this. My prayer for you is to find the inner peace you need at this time to become whole again.
If your ex is a love avoidant, I can speak a little about that. He operates from a place of manipulation to feed his narcissistic needs. Even though he is constantly rejecting you, he actually needs you to love him just as much as you probably want to love him. This type of relationship can be extremely dangerous though because it feeds off the pain of our partners. I pray that he gets the help he needs as well. I pray that you also make a clean cut when it comes to you two if possible. You both need to heal separately and staying in contact for any reason can be counterproductive. If you have to be in contact with him (you still live together, work together, have children together, go to church or school together) then make sure your interactions are limited and to the point. Do not let him trigger you into going backwards, and please don’t cause him to relapse either. You said it yourself, your relationship is TOXIC. Toxic is another word for POISONOUS...and poison KILLS! I need you both to be safe and live your
BEST LIFE, separately.
Please keep me posted as your journey leads you to a new and complete you. I will definitely be praying for both of you. Remember, ALL IS WELL! God bless!
Love,
Jai
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Monday, June 10, 2019
"Patiently Waiting"
Dear Jai,
This guy and I have been kicking it for about 7 months, but we have never kissed, held hands, or had sex (duh) mostly because we live in different cities. He constantly tells me what he wants to do with me (sexually) but whenever I go to visit him, he hesitates and says it’s because he is still technically married (they are currently separated) and doesn’t know if he and his wife will get back together so he doesn’t want to cross that line. They have children and I think he wants to work things out primarily due to them. His wife wants nothing to do with him but it’s like he refuses to move on. How can I encourage him to do so without pressuring him? I really love him and I think we would made the perfect couple, but it’s like he can’t move on from his past. What should I do Jai? Move on or stay?
Patiently Waiting in Alabama
Dear Patiently Waiting in Alabama,
Actually, he’s doing the right thing. He’s married, even if they are “separated”. To me it says a lot about his character that he could want to be with her after all they have been through (I mean they are divorcing, so they had to go through something lol). That will be a great characteristic for him to carry into a new relationship, so you may not want him to change that.
I do have a few questions though. First, I see you said "every time you go to visit him"...well, has he ever came to visit you? Second, have you met his kids yet? Men always want you to meet their kids (within a reasonable amount of time) if they are sincere. Even if he just sees you as a friend AND gets back with his wife, or especially if he sees you as a valuable asset he wants to keep around, you would have been introduced to the kiddos by now. If you haven’t, well...he thinks of you as temporary, or worse yet...he doesn’t want the kids to tell mommy about you and that’s not a good sign.
Also, what do you mean you guys haven’t even kissed yet? That’s odd, especially if you’re saying you can see yourself being with him. I’m not saying you cannot have feelings without being intimate (especially in this day and age of online hookups) BUT the fact that he starts stuff sexually he never finishes...well...that “concerns me”. Do you know why he and his wife broke up? I think you need to stop “falling” for this man and start asking some very important questions.
Need dating advice, please feel free to hit me up at jai.is.alright@gmail.com. Thanks in advance and God Bless!
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